Masculinity and Femininity – A Complex Explanation

This topic is quite complex, sensitive and controversial, this is why it is especially important to talk about it. The unambiguous topics can be answered by the AI, that thing is getting pretty good but it still has a long way to go. We have two different energies within us that play a crucial role in determining who we are. Let’s dive into finding out what really means to be a man or a woman. This article has a more ambiguous structure because it was written in many months. It grew from the beginning, from the middle, and from the end. This is Alex, welcome to Ensomato!

Introduction

Warning! This is an advanced material which tackles a sensitive topic. If it will sound offensive to you, I don’t mean it, it is just that my passion is to find the most objective truth possible, not to feed into people’s ideologies. If you read this, please read the whole thing before judging or labeling me. If I say that there are biological differences in behavior between biological sexes that does not mean one is better than the other. People are bad at understanding the yin-yang structures, the asymmetric equalities. Be very careful when you study the biological differences between people! You can fall for racist ideology, eugenics, sexism, conspiracy theories. There is NO such thing as “inferior” gender, sex, or race!

This Article can sound too progressive and philosophical to the conservative people but too conservative and “scientific” to the very progressive people. This is an article that takes post-modernism into account but is not limited by it, which means it does not push you to believe “objective” truths that Alex believes are “true”, but it also comes with concrete answers that will help you improve your understanding and to live a happier life in the end. This is by far the hardest thing I ever researched, I am also not 100% sure of all the statements I hold here, appreciate the courage I took to talk about.

Gender is a social construction, an inter-subjective concept that if we humans stop believing in it, it will cease to exist. There is no such thing as an objective man or a woman, this dichotomy  was invented by society in order to simplify our lives. In the same way we invented money, money are a social construction that simplifies our lives. There is no such thing as “money”, money is just some numbers in a computer system or some colored pieces of paper. But we gave value and qualities to those numbers and pieces of paper so we could simplify our existence and trade easier. In the same way we created men and women so we could specialise in what most biologically born men and women are good at and also simplify our mating and dating. Not just that gender is an invention but it is also very subjective, what a man means to my grandfather might not mean the same thing to me. My grandfather might not call an authentically feminine man to be a real man, while I will do that. We love to asign labels, qualities and roles to our inventions also. Men protected the country with weapons in their hands and did the physically hard work while women were taking care of children and doing the less labor intensive stuff like cooking and laundry. When an army is attacking your city, you don’t have time for non-binary people telling you they don’t identify as men, you give them a slap and a weapon in their hand right away. But now here in the West, we have time for questioning that, but we have to do it very carefully. If we just willy-nilly question everything without taking into account our biology, trauma adaptation mechanisms and stuff like that, we could end up in trouble. 

Now I can hear the post-modernists scream: “But who is to say what it means to behave like a man? Everything is relative!” Here is where you meet the limit of post-modernism, you get stuck in what Ken Wilber calls “aperspectival madness”. Tell a newbie runner that running technique is relative and she should run as she feels. Just use your intuition my dear! And then she injures her knees. There is a more “right” running tehnique relative to not being an idiot, running efficiently and not injuring your knees. Not everything is equally relative to everything else. Relative to having a healthy romantic relationship with a feminine woman, there is a more “right” way to be a man. Relative to your genetics, personality, hormone dynamics and the like, there is a more “right” way to be a man. If you did not have any orgasms in years, that means something. If your man is always bored, boring, has low energy and does not attract you anymore, that means something. Why are you eating animals or even root vegetables? Is the life of an animal or a plant less important than the life of your dog or a human? Of course there is no difference between these lives, it is just you discriminating between them in order to survive. Where is your relativity here? Relativity is like a knife, depends how you use it.

If you find yourself at the table with some post-modern people and you dare to open this female vs. male topic, most probably you’ll ring all their sexist patriarchy alarms. And I understand why, it is a topic that requires a lot of research and contemplation, a lot of logical analysis, and as we know them, they are not the best friends with research and logical approaches. What is their approach to this topic? Well, they might say something like this: “Yeah the traditional beliefs that men are like this and women are like that, these are outdated beliefs from traditionalist religious people and they always tend to favor men over women, I think everybody is different man and we should embrace every individual as it is regardless of gender. We need to break free from stereotypes man…”. Although their point is valid to some extent, you don’t need too much research and effort in order to hold these positions, positions like: “do not generalize”, “we are not that different”, “I reject labels”, and “just accept the person as it is”. That is cute and all that, but I always had a feeling that something is missing. Now I am not denigrating them here, I also used to say this stuff. This is the default position about this topic if you are progressive leaning but did not investigate this subject closer. Even their aperspectival perspective is much better than believing that God made men to rule over women or some shit like that.

I observed closely that in general there are important differences in how biological men and biological women are behaving. You might say we behave differently because of cultural expectations and norms, not because of our nature. Of course, culture has a lot to play here but is it really only cultural determinism? We have literally different organs in our bodies, different bone densities, different average heights but some say we have on average the same behavior and preferences. I don’t buy that. If you have a point about this topic, you might be put in two categories: the progressive category which advocates for cultural determinism, or the conservative, religious, traditionalist perspective which advocates for biological determinism. Both perspectives lack complexity, depth, and nuance. We are influenced by both biology and culture and I’ll explain why. We are equal but not the same, although it might seem so nowadays.

There are niche cases of feminine men and masculine women who love being like that, and even individuals who want to transition to the opposite gender or to identify as something completely outside of these binary genders. There are also people born intersex with XO or XXY sex chromosomes which means having biological characteristics of both male and female or just a completely ambiguous biology. These are rare cases, I honestly do not know enough about it, what I know for sure is that you need to find your authentic self. If you really feel that you are the most authentic when identifying as non-binary, and this is also confirmed by experts, then do it and learn how to find your non-binary identity. In this article I discuss what the main trends are BUT I do not push you to fit in your traditional gender role, I encourage you to find yourself and ignore the silly culture biases. No matter if progressive or conservative, they still push you to be who they want you to be. NOBODY but YOU can find who you are. I’ll also try to tackle the gender identity issues because when I say masculinity and femininity I don’t mean biological sex, I am pointing to the two energies within all of us. You’ll want to classify me as conservative or progressive. Open your mind to a third possibility and forget about this binary political crap for a moment.

Here I am after more than three years of researching this topic. I don’t even know where to begin, at first I wanted to make this material to be a quick info article but it turned out to be a mini handbook because it is a remarkable topic. There is just a lot to talk about. I understand your concern, women were thought incapable of reason 300 years ago, that is not science but complete horseshit. We are different but equally powerful and beautiful, each in our specific ways.

Cats and dogs

This is an exaggerated black and white analogy for more clarity. You take your dog for a walk, he is very happy, he finds a stick and pushes you to throw it so he brings it back, he likes being lead by you in a leash, he does not feel opressed or anything. Then you think, why shouldn’t I do the same to my cat? I mean these social norms of only walking your dog, come on… just some traditional crap. Then you put a leash on your cat, she does not seem to be very happy with it, you try to pull her out with the leash, she resists. After a while you give up and let her stay inside. Your neighbor tells you how he walks his cat and works awesome, now you are sad thinking there is something wrong with your cat. Why can’t she just behave like a normal cat who likes to take walks with a leash? You take her to a special cat trainer and after 1 month she manages to make her “like” the leash. Now your cat is “normal”.

We do the same thing with people. The conservative people tell others that they should fit in their biological and traditional gender norms, and the progressive people tell people to be kind and “just be themselves” creating the result of everyone behaving the same. What if I have no idea who I am and how to find myself? The conservative people are supressing the femininity in men (macho culture), the progressives are supressing their masculinity (ideological fight against toxic masculinity). Let’s find out what it really means to be yourself, we’ll begin with biology.

The Beginnings of Life

I found research which says that on average, when a baby boy forms in his mother’s womb, he gets a testosterone injection in the body, which means the brain also receives it. What testosterone does to the brain is remarkable, it makes the individual behave in a slightly more autistic manner. Scientists measured the prenatal testosterone levels of individuals and correlated them with increased slightly autistic behaviors in childhood. Nature is not 100% precise, so baby girls can also get a high dose of testosterone before birth, leading to a more emotionally reserved girl or a tomboy, and nothing wrong with that, but boys got on average double as much as girls. There is a chart on the PubMed article I put at the end of this material with prenatal testosterone exposure on boys and girls. They found a strong correlation between prenatal testosterone exposure and sexually differentiated play behavior in both girls and boys. And this is a PubMed article not some evangelical church science. The base brain, the one unaffected by testosterone, is the feminine brain, and I’ll explain what femininity is throughout this article. The “extreme male brain” theory of autism proposed by psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen suggests that individuals with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) exhibit an exaggerated version of typical male cognitive patterns, characterized by a strong interest in systems, abstraction, and a reduced emphasis on social cognition. Just because autism as a disease is debilitating, that does not mean a tiny bit of autistic behavior is debilitating! If I say men are on average a bit more autistic, that does not make them inferior in some way, it is only that their brains function differently, they get excited by abstract nerdy stuff, they are less social, more disconnected from their emotions, a bit less empathic, they like to figure out stuff, create maps as I am doing now and further differences that I’ll discuss soon. ASD is 3 to 4 times more common in males than females. Notice when I mention the words: “most of them”, “on average”, and “tend”. There are no black and white distinctions in this article.

Some Key Points About Biology, Culture and Behaviors

How about when the children grow up? Of course, they will go through the renowned period of puberty when men get another big dose of testosterone in the system, which makes them grow taller, grow hair everywhere, grow bigger and stronger muscles, and get a lower-pitched voice. Whereas women get a good dose of estrogen which makes them begin the menstrual cycles and develop the typical feminine traits of wider hips and bigger breasts. What about the behavior though? 

There is the so-called “big five” personality traits test. This test was given to  millions of people around the world. Statistics show that women scored on average higher on neuroticism and agreeableness which means women are on average nicer, more agreeable and more sensitive to emotions. Women tend to be more social especially if they are extroverted, many more women than men join social activities like fitness classes, they seek emotional support much more often and twice as many women than men go to psychotherapy. I encourage men to express their emotions of course, but even if they do it, it seems it does not improve their situation by too much. Women encourage them to express every stupid emotion they have, but when they do it they become less attracted to them, because they become women, they go into their female side.  A woman complaining and crying on your shoulder is cute, but when a fully grown man does that… meh.. ugh… Sharing hardships is one thing but continuously complaining instead of assuming responsability is another. Try to do that as a man and see if it is attractive to women. You brainwash them to behave in the way you want then you get less attracted to them. This idea was shared by a man on social media, and he got thousands of likes by other men, so many men experienced this. You want to change to macho culture, but how do you know if your biases will not corrupt the new culture you create? 

Assuming responsability for your problems is KEY for becoming a great person, without this, nobody can help you. Psychotherapy works when you already have a level of maturity so you don’t chicken out and run from assuming responsability. I solved my problems without a therapist, I assumed responsability for my problems and fixed them instead of putting them on the shoulders of a therapist. Of course, with the help of some good books and mentors. I talk about my hardships to my spouse if she wants to know what am I going through but I do not cry on her shoulder. This is how a masculine man solves a problem, if you do it otherwise then that does not mean all have to do it like you. Go to therapy as much as you feel, but beware to not throw the responsability on their shoulders and cry like a baby instead of making efforts to solve your issues. 

Becoming a man does not mean necesary becoming masculine, by best male friend is very feminine. It is about independent active action, the courage of finding yourself, your own style, your own way of being, and that can be feminine for a few men. But most of them will notice that masculinity is their way. This is why we call it masculinity in the first place. Don’t like these terms for these two energies within us? Call them Yin and Yang or water and fire then.

I’ve seen people 10 times more broken than me that had woke parents and went to therapy for years. What I did has to be learned, a boy has to learn how to assume responsability for his problems, face the pain, and ACT upon it. Otherwise he will just bottle them up and distract himself instead.  Maybe you can teach him that if trying to transform him into a girl does not work, just saying…  

You might say that you teach your boy this and more, but the end result isn’t what we all expected. Why do so many boys now remain boys forever and retract in themselves instead of evolving and expanding while so many girls manage to do it? What are we missing? I believe a big missing part is that pride of being a man, developing yourself, and dealing with life by yourself. That  drive, an honorable life-purpose, pride, self-leadership, nonconformity, ambition, active vibe, stoicism, internal and external motivation, and appreciation from others is what pushes us men to evolve not talking about every stupid struggle we have. Men need to be forged like a sword through challenge, mostly self-challenge, that is the big difference. By these measures, we ensure high levels of testosterone in the men. Testosterone is crucial for energy levels, happiness, libido, and motivation in men. I will explain further in the article what are the circumstances that increase testosterone and what are those that increase estrogen.

You might be turned off by what I said, especially by the pride part. There are mainly two types of pride. The egoic pride of inflating your slef-identity that you might have thought about and the motivational pride that pushes you to have high standards, to aim high, and to not follow the herd like a sheep. I am talking about the former of course. WIthout my ambition and pride I would perhaps be dead by now.

Now this is not a ticket for returning back to the fake macho masculinity, not seeking help even if there is no sign of improvement. I was gifted genetically with a very resilient and ambitious personality, most people would probably have gotten a mental illness or even committed suicide if they would have encountered the level of bullying I encountered. If you seriously feel bad, then seek help! A well trained therapist. But I personally felt that it was a fight that I had to deal with myself, and I did it. This journey made me who I am now, it made me a man. 

“The cure for the pain is the pain.” – Rumi. 

We need masculinity in our societies, we already see the damage of taking away the masculinity from a society. If everyone behaves “how they feel like”, then real men will be as rare as gold in the ground. A culture without a “men forge” is a sick culture. Real men don’t just appear from nowhere, they are taught that by other real men. The mother transforms the baby into a boy, the father makes him a man. In the beginnings of life, the baby needs tons of feminine compassion, but as the boy becomes a teenager, masculine compassion has to push him the develop a sense of pride, resilience, ambition, and purpose. No beatings, domination, gaslighting, blackmailing, threats and stuff like that! That is not masculine compassion, that is toxic masculinity. Femininity is easy to intuite, but becoming  a man is a complex, strategic thing that has to be taught. 

There will be women who will not be able to find the masculine man they are authentically attracted to, they will gaslight themselves into believing that they themselves have a problem by not being attracted to the nice guys around. My ex Swedish girlfriend thought that it is her who has a problem because she was not getting arroused by such men, this broke my heart. She became so happy when I explained that it is not her who is the problem, but her post-modernist culture who created such unattractive men. I observe how women around just give up the dream of finding a real man and settle up with a stable unattractive guy, gaslighting themselves into beliving that “this is how a man should be! I mean he is not a toxic macho like the others…” Yeah he is not a macho, but he is not making you horny either, you will spend lots of money on lubricant and finishing the job by yourself afterwards. What most women want is the attractiveness, mistery, challenge, and thrill they find in “bad guys” but without the toxic masculinity that makes them dominant, traumatizing, aggressive, unfaithful etc. My adivce is to let go of that image of “the perfect man” you create your head, and just follow your intuition, intuition is the core of femininity.

Now when you think about Sweden with all it’s very successful companies and highest density of inventors per capita you might think of some really great men. Most of them are really cool men, don’t get me wrong! It is just that they were not taught this simple and basic stuff that even my grandma can intuit, that we are different and biological gender differences are not 100% “traditional bullshit”.  They come with brilliant ideas, businesses, inventions, implementation of systems, and especially courage to risk doing all this. But you see, being a man does not really translate into only penetrating the world, for me it means mostly penetrating your inner world at least in the beginning. Before penetrating the outsides, take care of your insides. Becoming a man means taking control over your ego and melting it down to a point where you are completely aware of all your weakpoints, coping mechanisms and mental constructions that make you and the ones around you to suffer. 

In fact, I would advise you to not penetrate the outside world before you fixed your inside world or you’ll get that Elon Musk effect. Elon Musk might be a brilliant business man but in my opinion he is far from being a well rounded real man. It is pretty clear to me how messy his inside world is. He can barely talk properly to the point that I get annoyed when listening to him, like he sits in his man cave for months on end not talking to anybody, he is fat as a pig, he is not aware of  his political biases, he behaves on social media in the same way I used to do it when I was 13 etc. He is not a happy man and I bet money that the women in his life were not happy either. And this can be seen in so many more examples. Is Leonardo Di Caprio a healthy man? He only dates 19 year olds then dumps them when they get older. Is that a serious man whom you should have in your life? Highly doubt that.  Before summoning powers that you cannot control, work on becoming a powerful man that will be able to control those powers in a healthy way. 

All these baboons from the manosphere who brainwash you into believing that doing risky business for the sole purpose of making lots of money is the core of masculinity. NO! That is the core of selfishness, and only low quality women will get attracted to such men. What do you want in your life? Low quality materialistic women, or some really mature and conscious beings who will love your soul not just your “success”? What is success? Is it stressing yourself to death in an overly competitive, toxic cut-throat capitalism until you get some money made by exploiting or damaging other people and the environment? Think twice. 

Let’s go further. Women are more in tune with other people’s feelings and they tend to choose fields and jobs that have a high emphasis on socialization, emotional intelligence, taking care of people, animals, and environment. Fields like psychology, human resources, coaching, healthcare, sociology, political science, veterinary science, and gender studies. Much less to technical engineering, computer science and programming. Now does it mean women can’t be good programmers? Of course they can, but many won’t find it very enjoyable. 

Fun fact about the ICF coaching course I went to. Coaching is an emotional intelligence based profession, the trainers were two women and the attendees were 7 women… and me. At my first job in Sweden as a massage therapist at a spa, the staff was composed of 11 women, one gay guy, and me. At Swedish nurse schools there are around 100 women for every 10 male students. I once went to massage the empoyees of an IT company that was dealing with web support and other nerdy stuff like that, all 9 employees whom I massaged were men. 

Sweden, the big mamma of gender equality has made considerable efforts to equalize the gender gap in professions, but the result was the opposite, the gap is even bigger in Scandinavia than in the more traditional countries. India has a higher percentage of women in STEM fields than Norway, even if Norway created the “gender point system” where they give a head start to people who choose a field in which they are a gender minority. People will choose to work in fields that fulfill them when money is not a big problem anymore. 

Scandinavian countries try to erase the behavioral differences between men and women, teaching boys to be more emotional and girls to be more resilient to strong emotions. Basically swinging the pendulum from one extreme to the other, if traditional countries push for widening the gap between men and women, progressive countries push for making them behave the same. If you raise the question of behavioral differences between sexes in progressive circles, you get that vibe of “we don’t do that here”. Why? Are you afraid that your hippy-dippy position is wrong? As the Buddha says, always take the middle way. You can brainwash people to believe biology is not an important factor and get them to behave similarly in the same way women were brainwashed to believe they are inferior to men 300 years ago. Having the right approach to this topic requires real intellectual skills and knowledge, it just doesn’t work to “follow your feeling” and “reject labels”.

Let’s take a look at the gentlemen again for a minute. Asperger himself said that in order to become a successful scientist, you need a touch of autism. Nicola Tesla might have died a virgin, and Albert Einstein was late to talk and said he was never very interested in socialization. Statistics show a much higher density of autism-spectrum individuals in so-called “IT hub” locations like Silicon Valley, and they are mostly men, you guessed it right. Men are on average more individualistic and less communitarian. Have you noticed how many men are advocating for libertarian ideals like tax cuts, deregulations, free market, and private property? Whereas more women than men tend to advocate for socialist ideals like welfare state, tax increase, and more regulations. Women’s holistic, less autistic, less affected by testosterone brains make them on average less competitive, more cooperative and more compassionate towards those in need, for animals and the environment. Now that does not mean mature, developed masculine men will hurt animals or the environment, that is silly. It is just that they will logically decide not to hurt them and create systems that will protect the environment without getting too hippy and emotional about it.

The pay gap between men and women is influenced by this, besides the still prevalent prejudice against women in patriarchal societies. Tech jobs are on average much better paid than HR or healthcare jobs, another influence is that men negotiate their salaries more aggressively and are much more confident in their capabilities even if in reality they pretty much suck, they can at least appear convincing. Testosterone makes them more competitive and drawn to seek appreciation for their efforts, if money and hard work is a valued character trait in their social circle, testosterone will motivate them to climb the ladder, earn more money, and work until they fall sick, especially because that will bring them better chances to mate. Males can have even 20 times more testosterone in the body compared to females.

If you ask ChatGPT about how testosterone influences behavior, it will answer among other stuff that it develops aggression in the individual. You see, there is a misconception that testosterone makes all men more aggressive. It can be so if their social circle appreciates aggressiveness or the survival needs pushes him towards aggression as we see in the animal kingdom. If they lived in a ghetto neighborhood for the last 20 years, then yes, testosterone will make them more aggressive as it makes them seek the appreciation of their social circle who value a dominant and aggressive behavior, and of course, improves his chances to mate. But if a man lived in a Buddhist monastery for the last 20 years, testosterone will only motivate them to become even more kind and meditative, as these qualities made them feel appreciated there. Want a less aggressive man? Then don’t date a gangster for God’s sake. In fact, what makes most men aggressive is too much estrogen and low testosterone, which makes them unmotivated, passive, and irritable. John Gray presents in his book: “Beyond Mars and Venus” the complex hormone dynamics that affect our behavior, let’s take a look.

Disclaimer! I do not agree with Gray’s points on gender and sexual orientation, he got that part wrong. But I also know that almost nobody has the complete picture of this complex topic I raised here, not even me. Take this article with a grain of salt, decide yourself what is true and what is not, this subject needs an eclectic approach. If I mention his work, it does not mean I completely agree with all he says. This is how you do good research, you triple check the information, you reject what is flawed, and take only what is good. Dismissing a teacher just because he or she is not 100% right is a trap, almost nobody is 100% right when doing such sharp statements. This is for you extreme leftists who cancel people’s careers just because 10% of their work is “politically incorrect”.  

I’ll quote a note I took from his book which says like this: “A life purpose, appreciation and the feeling that people need them for their competence increase men’s testosterone which makes them endure unimaginable stress and they’ll do it with pleasure, but when they lack these feelings, they lose steam and testosterone levels decrease. Both sexes lower testosterone and increase adrenaline and cortisol when they encounter a lot of stress. If they are in touch with their authenticity, men tend to do actions which increase testosterone to get rid of stress. At the same time, women tend to choose activities that increase estrogen, and oxytocin.”

Now let’s hear some ChatGPT:

“In women, although testosterone is still important, their bodies rely more on estrogen and progesterone for many of the functions testosterone supports in men. So, while low testosterone affect women (such as causing fatigue, mood changes, or lower libido) the impact is generally less severe because it’s not the primary hormone driving those functions.”; “Challenge and purpose can increase testoserone levels, especially in men. Engaging in activities that involve competition, goal-setting, and overcoming obstacles often triggers a rise in testoserone.”; “Nurturing behaviors. such as caring for others, physical affection, and bonding, can contribute to an increase in estrogen, particularly in women. Estrogen is closely linked to emotional bonding, nurturing, and social connection, and engaging in these activities can stimulate hormonal changes thet reiforce those behaviors.” – ChatGPT.  And remember that ChatGPT is trained by some of the most leftist leaning people in the world.

When they have low stress levels and their hormones are in balance, men and women tend to act similarly, it is only when the imbalance happens that their differences become obvious. This is overly simplified so that we have a big picture, I know it can be confusing. Especially nowadays when women are becoming more independent and men are less masculine, we get the feeling that only looks make us different, that until your relationship goes to hell and you don’t understand why. 

The science based evidence on how our biological sex and hormone dynamics correlates with our mood and stress moderation is bad. Mainly because we are bad at soft science and we cannot apply hard science very well here, there are so many “soft” variables that cannot be properly measured in order to “prove” this hormone dynamics theory. And this subject requires more tools, not just the scientific method. It is like trying to understand art with math equations. On top of this, in the west there is also a bias of getting rid of the biological differences in order to better understand gender. I’ve read somewhere that a neurophysiology professor from Lund University was denounced for being “anti-feminist” because he said that there are, on average, real biological differences in behavior between men and women.

A bit of side rant now but I’ll get back to the subject, I promise. Academia has become an insult to real intellectuality in many fields. Sometimes academia feels like a cult to me, they feel superior, they have their complicated way of explaining things so it sounds smart and you can’t point why. I see this happening in philosophy, science, gender studies… They need to humble down and get rid of that stupid complicated academicsplaining jargon, just because you sound smart does not mean you are smart. On top of that, some 20 year old clueless children can gather together and denounce you because you said something that does not align with their naive worldviews. Independent intellectuals come and turn all your academic ideas on their head, there is a chance you are wrong, keep that in mind. Glad that I chose a non-ambiguous and fun major which was physiotherapy and had intelligent wise professors. 

Just because they are many, they are woke and they have PHDs, does not mean they are right all the time. Many times happend that big groups drank the coolaid due to ego biases and corruption. Volkswagen and other companies that produced diesel cars purposely destroyed the air quality in the whole Europe by hiding that their cars were releasing up to 14 times more hazardous polutants than the legal limit. The same crap can happen in academia. Money, corruption, lobbying, people’s biases, can completely distort the truth. When falsehood is more convenient than truth for most people in a group, they will release falsehood.

Anecdotal proof is also proof, millions of people resonated with John Gray’s books. You might be turned off saying that these are just generalizations. Yes, you can use generalizations as a map that helps you understand life better. If you get that the map is not the territory, you’ll be ok. If I make the generalization: “Men are taller than women”, I also make it implicit that there are women who are taller than men so there is an overlap, the same when I talk about behavior and preferences.

I feel I had to add this side information so I inspire you to think for yourself, but “back to our sheep” as we use to say in Romania. When stressed, men tend to choose activities that disconnect them from emotions and make them feel useful, competent and appreciated, increase testosterone, like skillfully riding a motorcycle or discussing the last football match with their male friends in their man cave. Again, it is not black and white, I also heard of women who go into their male side when feeling stressed. I heard of a woman running 30 km a day during stressful periods. But in general, when a feminine woman is stressed and she is in close contact with her needs and intuition, she’ll want to do activities that connect her with emotions and with people, activities that increase her estrogen and oxytocin. Like these so called “me time” activities, eating a tasty meal, reading a romantic novel, watching a love movie, or calling her best friend or therapist and telling her how she feels and what happened, getting validation.

Everybody has his or her male and female side. You’ll wonder why men want to increase their testosterone and women their estrogen. Gray advocates that men need to go into their male side to be able to relax and get rid of stress whereas women need to get into their female side. Shortly, men feel good being men and women being women, the same as an introvert wanting to return to silence and an extrovert to his/her friends in order to recharge. 

I identify as a man and I know that the so-called “man” identity is a social construction, but it is a social construction that fits my biology, personality, looks preference, and hormone dynamics. We have these two genders not just because the oppressive patriarchy forces us to choose them, they also align with 95+ percent of us, we actually like to be like this. I love to be a masculine man, most women love to be feminine women, from here come the names of these archetypes.

Relationships and Contrasts

Gray also talks about the actions that create contempt in relationships. Most commonly, the man is lazy and careless about his actions: not properly cleaning the house, not helping her with basic chores, not showing her enough attention and affection etc. The woman usually complains about the man’s carelessness and gives him unsolicited advice that will lower his testosterone and make him even more careless, angry, and detached. How much better a world would we have if men would treat their women as well as they treat their favorite cars and if women would talk to their men as nicely as they talk to their clients. This problem is so common that you can find jokes about it on the internet. I’ll leave one here for you.

-My dear, for 34 years you have only been criticizing me!

-For 35 years my dear.

You might ask: what about gay relationships? Well, you have to have an open conversation with your partner and realize how your personalities and energies can blend together harmoniously. And beware of compatibility! If both of you have a strong masculine energy, it might not work. This applies to straight relationships also, sometimes it won’t work, no matter what you do. That is due to personality, biological incompatibility, or even trauma. Trying to change your partner in order to fit you is the most newbie mistake you can make.

In progressive countries like Scandinavia, we see a lot of women tapping into their male sides by getting into leadership roles and stressful positions that crave a lot of competence. That is great news. Finally, women can fully embrace both their energies, not just the female side by taking care of the children and being provided for, but in some cases it can lead to burnouts and depression. This narrative that is pushed to women telling them they have to become highly educated and high achievers in order to not depend on men is a bit overdrive. What if she just wants to relax in her female side, to stay at home, take good care of her children and work a part-time job at a clothes store because she has a masculine man who loves to take good care of her and finances? Even in Scandinavia, the work environment is still stressful and competitive, especially in high paying jobs and people still work their ass off in order to travel and get a nicer house or car, not as socialistic as you imagined. If your man isn’t properly helping you, you always have to tell him what to do as if he is your child, then you end up worse than in a traditional relationship. Not just that you keep in check the house, food, and the children, now you need to earn money too. 

When women are not secure in their female side, they cope by giving and sacrificing themselves till they get exhausted, sour, and sick. Asking for help is key in this situation and swinging from sick leave to a job that you hate just to “keep up with men” is not a long term solution. It is not ethical to your colleagues and managers who don’t do that and have to deal with replacing you all the time. The welfare state compensates for the lack of support you feel in life. There is no shame in choosing a lower paying job or working less just because you want to feel better, happiness is money.

I am a relatively masculine man but I still prefer happiness over some high paying corporate job or working all day competing with workaholics, but if my family would need more money, I’ll make it happen. A real man would love to do the hard work for you as long as he sees that you and the children are happy and he feels appreciated for his hard work. He’ll bring the money, he’ll do the house chores, anything for a family who deserves it. Men would even risk their lives for a good cause and you stay there and count to bring home the same amount of money. 

This is why it is crucially important for you as a masculine man to have a strong purpose, everything will become bearable if you have a passion and something meaningful to fight for. It doesn’t mean you have to become a millionaire entrepreneur, it can be simply working what you love and supporting your beautiful family. Forget about that elitist bullshit of becoming a top business tycoon, you can be a self-employed programmer, coach, trainer, bike mechanic, massage therapist, barber, plumber, construction worker, electrician, whatever… You just have to love what you do and do it for a reason. I am probably biased here because I like that my work is not dependent on a lot of colleagues or a big team but if you like corporations, so be it. The masculine grows by challenge, purpose, appreciation, and duty. The feminine grows by support, nurture, care, and praise. We don’t care about splitting everything 50/50, we care to see our women and children happy and to appreciate our efforts, and in that case we will move mountains for them. One magic thing though: appreciation, understanding, and non-criticism. If you don’t do so, your man is gone, he might also go on sick-leave in this case. 

You might object: “If they cannot take a constructive criticism, they are not real men”. They want to feel that you trust their competence, your support might have much better chances of making them change their behavior than your criticism. You might also say: “He does not take good care of me and I have to beg him to help me around the house all the time and I don’t criticize”. That is because nobody taught him how to be a man, he is a boy. A real man is a leader, he organizes stuff, he understands the needs of his woman, he is full of testosterone and energy due to his life purpose and feeling of duty. As Teal Swan says in her teachings: “healthy masculine men feel the need to “contain” their women”, which means to provide and offer safety without constraints and oppression. He leads, he protects, he knows, he does, he acts, he plans, he inspires, he charms, he jokes, he laughts, he smiles, he separates the the gold from the stones, he makes hard decisions, he tells unconfortable truths for a more confortable future, he preffers short term suffering over a lifetime of mediocrity, he points the way to others, he does not follow the herd, he leads the herd.

Still think all this is bullshit? Just take a look at the young guys in first world countries, I never ever seen so many unmotivated and passive men. “The system is rigged so they give up”. Take the courage to learn how to be a man by yourself if your clueless culture did not teach you this. Don’t blame the system so you have an excuse to watch porn and play video-games all day, there are tons of opportunities if you open your eyes. Of course all this new addictive anti-social tech play a role in this depravity. When no ambition and pride was instilled in you, you see no point in sacrificing years of your life suffering to become a man. Why should you do that when you can sit inside all day, have lots of fun with your gamer nerds and masturbate on anime porn? 

We are mainly attracted romantically to qualities opposite to ours, if you are a more masculine woman, you might find the feminine men more attractive. Only you can find who you really are. Ask yourself why you don’t want support from a man in your life. Because you analyzed it closely and you know for sure this is you? Or is it because you were socialized into that by your progressive friends and mother? Is it because you want to prove something to yourself and others? Is it because the men in your life were worthless and you were forced into it? Or just because you were treated or still treated badly by men and now you create a shield as a trauma response?

The different ways men and women behave and respond to stress are very important, especially in relationships. If your man comes home stressed and wants to go take a beer with his buddies let him go instead of continuously asking him what went wrong. He does not want to speak to you because he wants to detach from what happened until he replenishes his testosterone and feels better. If your woman comes back home sad and stressed on the other hand, ignoring her will not help, because in contrast with what you used to do when stressed, she wants to connect with her emotions and have someone to support her. And the way you as a man solve this kind of situation is a bit different from how women do, she won’t need solutions and advice at the moment, she only wants emotional support and understanding. You can be “Mr. fix it” another time. If we do not get these critical differences the relationship can suffer.

The masculine-feminine polarity is what makes it a romantic relationship, the contrasts between us make it exciting and romantic. Otherwise, we will be just two friends who have sex occasionally. A healthy long term romantic relationship can remain healthy only if both partners have an understanding of all these things, either they are smart enough to intuit them or they learn them. 

One more tip for improving your relationship is to find your own and your partner’s love language, there are mainly 5: physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation. Read Gary Chapman’s book for a deeper dive. Common interests, romance, and polarity will make you commit to one person, not just sex and looks. There will always be a hotter girl or a bigger cock somewhere else. It is not just about the looks, the behavior makes you who you are, you perform the gender. 

Think about how cool a well made MMORPG game is, how equal in power but at the same time how different the priest is from the warrior. The same with men and women, we are equal but not the same. In this kind of games, the strongest pair team is a team formed by two very different characters, usually one who screws the enemies while the other one supports him with healing. Why should we erase this beautiful difference between us that will make us stick to each other like a magnet?

Sex and attraction

There is an extremely obvious contrast here. A man can get aroused by simply seeing a beautiful woman, whereas a woman needs to get to know the man, and feel secure and intimate with him before getting aroused. She actually needs to make a bond with the man and feel safe, she wants emotional stimulation and safety first. This is what many men don’t realize and get surprised when their women don’t want to have sex on command. Because for men, having sex is like taking a piss. There is a huge underground sex market for men because women are not so interested only in the act of sex, at least those mature women in whom I am interested, they want a whole emotional experience. This is very important, many guys who struggle with dating are getting sour on life because they feel that women have it much better, that they can get sex much easier. Yes, she can get sex whenever she wants, but she doesn’t value the act of sex as much as you do, she mainly values finding a quality guy who is willing to commit only to her, and that might be very hard to find. Even those nightclub girls who treat sex as entertainment will choose a guy who stimulates their emotions first. The main cause of you as a guy are not getting laid is not the feminists or your looks, it is because you don’t socialize enough and stay inside all day. A real healthy man is a feminist, he understands how sensitive women are and takes care of them like he takes care of flowers.

Dating apps are a sea of sausages for women, but a desert for men. Women have tons of choice, men have to stick to what they get, the most attractive women will choose the most attractive men. It is not a natural way of dating, we men can see the value of  a woman by going through a well arranged dating profile, but the woman has to meet the man and feel his vibe, feel his energy. Not just that but now you compete with hundreds of men for the girl you wish, you have to be in the top 10% looks and other qualities that a dating app can show. This is why dating apps are so depressing for men and can lead to believing all sorts of nonsense. Like not having a masculine enough face and jaw line or not having enough money. Dating apps do not work for the majority of men. For me personally, they worked more or less and I use them because I am not very social. My advice is actually to be more social and use these apps less. They choose you based on looks because they do not have other information about you, that is the problem. And because of that fake feeling of abundace women get on dating apps, they always will get that feeling of maybe not choosing the right man. Imagine you being at a grocery store and there is 1000 types of clothes detergent. Now imagine you have to choose only one type of detergent and you will use that detergent for many years to come. Choice anxiety is ruining dating at these times, women have so much choice that they get overwhelmed and men have to accept any woman that finally decides to date them, like a homeless man being grateful for some bread crumbs he gets from some stranger.

So many women have this submission to dominance fetish because at least in bed they want to feel the taste of masculinity if not somewhere else. If we look at the animal kingdom we see that the right to sex is not given at birth, males need to fight for it and the female will choose to mate with the strongest male which will ensure the highest survival chance for her cubs. Most of us are not wild animals anymore but this dynamic still expresses in us to some extent. Feminine women tend to not care so much for beauty, more about the survival abilities, social skills, and social status the man has in society, so that he’ll ensure the kids survival while they can relax in their female side. Men are so attracted to the genetics and physical beauty and less about the survival abilities of the women, because they used to be the ones who mainly took care of survival for millions of years, they just needed to be sure the kids will have the best genetic baggage. Maybe women will value men’s beauty more in the future, when society becomes less dangerous, competitive and stressful. It will make logical sense, but our biology will not change overnight, we will still somewhat be driven by feelings and instincts that drove us millennia ago.

What are the main things women want from men? Emotional stimulation, protection, charisma, competence, humor, initiative, security, high status, boldness, confidence, affection, support, and beauty but as secondary to all previous. 

What are the main qualities that most men (I would personally add high emotional intelligence among the first) find appealing in women? Beauty, sexual diversity and availability, companionship, appreciation, and a sense that she needs his help in her life. 

Yes, men want sex. They think a lot about having sex, sex is a very important thing for them in a relationship. Now this might be a less glamorous part of men but it is a part that has to be understood and accepted by women, and men have to learn how to control it properly. I don’t get horny and creepy when a very attractive woman comes to me for a full body massage. I easily control myself in those situations due to years of consciousness and maturity work.

Femininity vs. Masculinity and Excesses

Forget about gender and sex for a minute. What would be the masculine characteristics? Protection, action, groundedness, focus, exclusivity, assertiveness, individualism, penetration, ambition, courage, logic, structure, strategy, detachment, duty, competitiveness, enduring hardships for a higher purpose.

How about the feminine ones? Beauty, sense of belonging, interdependence, intuition, feeling, inclusivity, receiving, vulnerability, sensitivity, nurturing, creativity, flexibility, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, mercy, rest. 

The ultimate distinction would be that masculinity would rather hurt feelings in order to tell the truth, and femininity would rather hide the truth in order not to hurt feelings.

Especially progressive women are scared of the word “interdependence”. They want to be independent, but you see, we all depend on something. In general, women want to depend on other people and estrogen-increasing activities, men tend to depend on things and testosterone-increasing activities to feel better. Just look how dependent your man is on his beer buddies that disconnect him from emotions, video-games, football, or his car. Or in my case, dependence on learning and figuring out stuff, I love it. Have you noticed how most men are drawn to figure out stuff and create models? If not figuring out politics then figuring out which football team is the best or which is the most reliable car. Women on the other hand relax much better when talking about stuff that arrise emotions in them, like talking about some drama that happened at work and the way people felt and inter-related to each other. Become aware of your favorite energy but do not swing too much towards it. If these energies are in balance, you will behave in a calibrated way, when you swing too much towards one energy and ignore the other, problems appear.

What does excess of masculinity look like? Well, toxic masculinity. An unsocial, over-competitive, unemphatic, selfish person who has a robot-like behavior and sees everything else as objects to be exploited. An overly masculine society would be an autocratic, mafia structured, overly-hierarchical, every man for himself, law of the jungle, libertarian hellhole where if you’re not tough, you’ll be basically used as a slave, killed or starved to death. Children will be traumatized by the beatings and non-permissive parenting, they will grow up hating their parents and eventually rebelling. Women will be treated as inferior because they don’t fit the revered “tough and strong” vibe. The country will have a high chance to go to war because they will see the smallest threat as a call to war. Society will eventually become more feminine as more and more people get educated. With education and affluence, comes empathy and compassion.

What would excess femininity look like? A naive, over-emphatic, over-indulgent, overly-collectivistic person, emphatical to most people except the perpetrators and “wrong doers”. What does an overly feminine society look like? A partially democratic, socialistic, overtaxing welfare state, non-hierarchical feelingcracy. The resources will be shared equally and you’ll be all good so long as you don’t say or do something which will raise feelings of you hurting or offending others, or try to rise above the rest and control people in some way. In that case you’ll be seen as a cancer and will be canceled, reduced to nobody. Some children can grow up soft, vulnerable, immature, undisciplined and with emotional problems because of overprotective parenting. You cannot protect them forever, teenage years will hit them like a train if they are not ready for it. The society will lack a full freedom of expression, there will be a bias against masculinity, the masculine people will be opressed. Everyone will get good grades even if they suck at the respective subjects, that will affect the quality of the educational system. There will be endless talks in political and philosophical circles on what is ok and what is not ok to do. There will be indecision, lack of action, and fear of “being wrong”. The army will be weak, underfunded and God forbid if some country decides to invade them. The law enforcement and authorities will be weak and permissive, the borders will be almost completely open and unenforced. Criminal gangs will move into the country because they see them as an oportunity to be exploited. The masculine part of society will eventually revolt because they cannot express their real personalities and will have enough of all the criminals wreaking havoc, the overly feminine government will eventually be overthrown and the energies will balance.

An overly feminine person will get burned out because she only looks for the needs of others and disregards her own needs. Many women get abused and exploited in relationships by selfish toxic men and forgive them all the time by backwards rationalization. What they should do instead is to connect with their male side and decide to end the relationship for good, to heal their female side by taking care of their own needs and forgiving those who hurt them, raise their standards, and find better men. Be careful about your childhood trauma though, I know the intimate life of a woman that had an authoritarian father, that made her vow to never marry such a man. She ended up regretting her choice ending up with a passive loser who was mostly absent, forcing her to take care of absolutely everything. 

Women love to be vulnerable and be led and provided to by a competent loving man. They hate when they are always forced to go into their male side and come up with solutions, figure out stuff, and fend for themselves because their men are lazy and incompetent. Now think about how many women are in this situation, living 20-30 years in the same house with such worthless men, no doubt why they get fed up and become passive-aggressive and depressed. You don’t have to fear masculine men, you need to find one who embraces his feminine side also, they are pretty rare though. Better alone otherwise. 

Another flavour of toxic femininity is naivety and excess of empathy, I presented in the analogy with the feminine country, we are not all at the same level of development, there are criminals who cannot wait to find a naive inexperienced victim to exploit. Not everything can be explained by feelings, sometimes you have to combine it with serious abstract logical thinking and research in order to figure out complex topics like this one. Healthy femininity is pure love, love and understanding even for the oppressors and egomaniacs, but it is also realistic and understands that boundaries have to exist.

Around 10 000 years ago we started to create “civilizations”. In these civilizations the feminine energy was systematically suppressed. In the middle ages, women were belived to be lesser humans, less intelligent, deserving only to be ruled. It was taught that because of Eve, they lost the kingdom of heaven. It was believed that they have to constantly procreate because otherwise their “seed” will coagulate inside themselves and will make them fall ill. I didn’t know how to react, to cry or to laugh. Fortunately we do not live with those dark mentalities here in the west anymore. After such a long time we finally begin to embrace our feminine side again and women are empowered. When the resources are scarce, the societies structure in a patriarchal way, because there is lots of competition for resources, but here in Scandinavia I see the society becoming more and more feminine because the resources are more abundant. The same thing we can observe in chimps and bonobos. Chimps have a patriarchal social structure due to the scarce environment in which they lived for thousands of years, bonobos on the other hand have a matriarchal social structure due to a frugivorous diet and the abundant environment. Our societies today are still overly-masculine all over the world, this is why there is a bias towards masculine qualities and women strive to acquire those qualities because in this way they ensure survival.

The problem with most men is that they either have the attractive masculine vibe but they are “old fashion”, domineering, closed-minded, and macho-like; or on the other hand they are too soft, unattractive, unmotivated, unambitious, and emasculated. The nice guy vs. asshole dichotomy. A wise blend between these two characters is preferred but if you like being feminine as a man, cool. There are women who like more feminine men. Just make sure this is really you and not only a coping strategy or a mask. Eckhart Tolle is a feminine man, and he knows his shit, one of the wisest people alive. To be more like a man you have to be more like a woman. The problem with the macho old-school man is that he creates a shadow from his female side and only channels his masculine energy outwards, he should focus it inwards instead, fighting his own fears and inner enemies. If he would do that, he would realize that he is playing a “tough guy” role in order to mask his insecurities and traumas. The masculine energy is immensely potent in curing trauma, but at the same time it also can prevent you from seeing it. Being a man means to be yourself as you are regardless of what people think of that, to be an unshakable pillar in the middle of a storm. Playing the role of the “tough guy” is probably not authentic to you, you do it because you don’t really trust yourself. Real bravery is admitting what really scares you and fight it, not the ability to ignore that cause and bulldoze through life regardless. Perhaps you’ve heard of the hero’s journey, the brave man who risks his life in order to go for the long and risky campaign of finding and defeating the dragon. The macho men act in the world like the dragon is somewere outside, but in fact the dragon is inside them, they have to fight their inner dragon and purify their souls. And through that process, they become real heroes.

You might ask why did the universe make us in this way? I see it as a survival specialization, we lived in tribes for millions of years. The universe specialized women in keeping the social cohesion of the tribe, gathering plants and fruits, and taking care of children, because children need love and empathy more than anything else. Men specialized in hunting, exploring, defending the territory and competing with other males for the most appreciated females, ensuring safety and providing resources. Actions that require more detachment, courage, and a desire to figure out stuff through strategic logical thinking. 

Imagine the women being beautiful pearls and the men being the shells protecting them so as they can express their love, beauty, vulnerability and creativity. Now that can be a reason why women vote for welfare states these days, because they feel unsafe in this men-dominated capitalist madness. We transition from our male side to our female side and back throughout the day, but we cannot properly be on both sides at the same time, you cannot be vulnerable, nurturing, and loving while strangling an enemy from the neighboring tribe. The amazing beauty, vulnerability, playfulness, nurture and care that feminine women offer, can only be maxed out in a safe environment. This safe environment can be created by their men, by their tribe, by their families or by a well functioning welfare state. The greatest gifts you can offer to a woman as a man is safety and love. The key question you have to ask yourself often in a relationship as a man is: “Does she feel safe, loved and relaxed so she can express her femininity?”. If she struggles with some stupid logistics or stuff she does not want to do, take that out of her mind, fix it for her!

If in the past we needed men to defend the country from the enemies, now in our first worlds, that requirement is fortunately less and less needed. We have another battle to fight instead, the battle for truth. Our nerdy ambitious minds have to be put to work towards distinguishing the truth from falsehood and then showing it to others, like I try to do here. Flawed information is poisoning our minds and the lack of action towards self-improvement eats our lives slowly. Here is your next fight my dear nerdy buddy, man or woman.   

Further Political Problems and Solutions

It is great to see this powerful raise of feminine energy, but there are some excesses. Most progressive liberals don’t really understand masculinity and why most straight or even gay or transgender men need to learn about it and embrace it as part of their identity and personality. They don’t understand it because it is against their feminine inclusivity ideology. By nature, masculine people are more exclusive, people who do personal development are more exclusive, it is the core of it. If you are 100% feminine, you cannot properly improve yourself and raise above the rest, in order to become better you have to exclude. As you noticed in this article, I excluded a lot of groups of people who are plainly wrong about this subject. They have to understand how to use exclusivity and get comfortable around masculine people. They are so inclusive that they exclude people who are exclusive. This behavior makes people weak, prone to mental illness, and immaturity. A mature person does not ghost someone just because they have some divergent political opinions. People have to face emotionally difficult situations and challenges in order to stay tough, no doubt why people call them snowflakes. Now you might think that exclusivity is bad because we had a lot of it in the past and it lead to lots of problems. That is toxic exclusivity. Excluding women,  jews, blacks, gays, poor people etc. is not healthy exclusivity. As there is toxic masculinity, so there is toxic exclusivity.

Once I met two leftist Swedish guys and had a drink. They were so interested in me until I told them I am writing this article about masculinity and femininity, after that their behavior changed  to a more closed one. I was messaged a day after that “we do not click” unfortunately. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells whenever I meet such people here because I don’t know what they think, they don’t say what they like or what they don’t like about what I said, they just ghost me or send a message after we met. If the conservatives do tons of harm to the world with their wars, hatred, violence and toxic masculinity, the progressives came with this “new man” that with all due respect, I don’t know if it is much better. Unmotivated, low testosterone, low emotional intelligence, low social skills, boring, passive, easily offended, afraid of conflict… If you are not fitting in their way of thinking and behaving, then bad luck, you are seen as a piece of trash. I had deep conversations with about 9-10 Swedish women and 4 of them said they had enough of how boring and uninteresting men are. This, of course, it is not a Sweden problem, everywhere in the world where the post-modernist vibe comes online, this type of guys starts to appear. It feels like society has only 2 softwares available for male brains, either the toxic masculine macho software or the boring nice guy software. You either passively accept one of it or work hard to update it to a next level software. Now I am a bit mean so you can see how the conservatives feel when you mock them. How does it feel to be mocked? Does it feel good to be called toxic and problematic? Masculine compassion is about telling the uncomfortable truths if appropriate but also understanding the person and accepting it as it is. I will not look down on you or avoid you because you have no clue about how to be a man, don’t worry. I will try to have fun with you (if i can) and help you only if you ask for it.

I noticed that when I am really myself, when release that healthy masculine vibe of honesty, courage, knowledge, ambition, and powerful voice, the healthy and mature people around react in a positive manner, they get inspired and attracted to me. On the other hand, the wounded people, especially the nice guys with thier fragile and dense egos run away like if they saw a ghost. When you shed the light of consciousness on dense egos, they run away into darkness. You tell people to be themsleves, and when they are themselves you start avoiding them. It is more like: “Be yourself but not in a way we do not like it”. No doubt the West is full of nice guys and the third world is full of machos. People choose attachment before authenticity, nobody shows them how to develop that real self so they just conform to the culture norms in order to get that highly craved love from others in an anxiously attached manner..

People watch the horrors of excess masculinity and get disgusted by it, and in an emotional reaction they label whole masculinity as bad. I totally understand, I am also put sometimes in an emotional righteous care bear state whenever I see how women are treated on the streets and in relationships and especially when I read human history, then I really get sick in the stomach. But with emotional reactions we don’t solve the problem. We have to let ourselves cool down and think rationally what can be the solutions. Canceling, criticizing and calling names won’t really help, it just makes them angry. The leftists want to equalize everything in society, they have a hard time dealing with equal asymmetries, things can be equal even if they are different. And by the way, how can you call yourself egalitarian when you say that women would do better than men in many fields like politics or leadership? How can you call yourself inclusive when you exclude masculine people? Double standards. They aim for diversity but this inclusivity dictatorship diminished diversity, it made all progressives behave more or less the same. If you make some weird tatoos and wear some hippie clothes that does not mean you are different, real diversity is in behavior and values.

My work here does not throw away the work of progressives and gender scientists, it just adds up what is missing. You read Judith Butler’s books then you are in the air. Ok, gender is a social construction, now what? What are we going to do? Telling your 7 or 8 years old children only that they can identify with whatever they want is just unwise. It is not that children cannot find who they are, it is that the adults don’t have a good approach to teaching this and they themselves do not understand this stuff. What is a man? What is a woman? Can you answer this? Probably not that deeply. It is like explaining what a TV is without having a clue about electronics, maybe you explain it shallowly but think about how much better an experienced electronics engineer can explain what a TV is and how it works. Imagine that they created a completely separate major that studies gender and they do not know about this stuff. It is like finishing engineering school without learning calculus.

I think the best approach would be to teach them that gender is a social construction, but also about masculinity and femininity, their biological sex differences, how the brain gets influenced by prenatal testosterone, hormone dynamics, and the correlation between all of this. Then they might have higher chances finding the perfect blend of energies and perfect gender identity for them. They need clear information that will help them decide, otherwise they will just do what is “cool” and copy each other without a clue of what they are doing. This is dangerous stuff, if you send your kids to hormone therapy without good investigation and patience till they understand how to find themselves, you can destroy their lives. This stuff has to be handled by serious experts not by brainless politicians and parents. 

And these ideas of gender neutral changing rooms make me laugh. If there will be only one changing room, you as a girl will have a bunch of creepy guys staring at you while changing clothes, then suddenly you’ll admit that we are different, oh the irony. There has to be a limit to anything, it is great to be inclusive and open-minded but not so open-minded so as your brains are falling off. In the past it was cool to be a rocker or a punker, now it is cool to be a political activist teenager. Fill your own buckets before filling other peoples buckets. “I don’t know” is a powerful wise sentence! Much better than spitting some ideology you’ve heard from some blue haired leftist Karen. I don’t care to prove religious conservatives wrong on this topic, that is easy and boring, there are lots of people who do that well already. My ideas show even how progressives get it wrong.

The society will become less sexist and patriarchal by simply spreading this information and those who are ready for it, will receive it. I dare to talk about this because I have over 13 years of serious personal development, this is my life purpose not just an interest. People just hear: “Masculinity is toxic”. Ok but show me what healthy masculinity looks like. It is like me being an introvert and instead of accepting this part of me, I suppress it because everybody around me says that introversion is toxic, do you get it now? Many people now portray the perfect man as being some variant of Eckhart Tolle, namely an agreeable, feminine, calm, zen-like man. No! Eckhart Tolle is one type of a great man, for some men like me that is not authentic. When I was following Eckhart many years ago I forced myself to be like him because I believed he was the perfect man example. Not all the left-handed people have to start writing with the right hand because you feel that is more “right”.  

If your authentic self is very masculine, then your path will be a bit tricky, Sometimes you’ll feel like having to tell truths that will upset people, make them avoid you, or even lose your job. The thousands of years of toxic masculinity made people very sensitive to masculine behavior right now in the West. But it can be pulled out, with lots of knowledge, nuance, emotional intelligence, and wisdom. We have ok feminine men role models, that is easier to pull out, but a lack of healthy masculine men role models. To pull that out you need edge sharp awareness and adaptability, I will be quite masculine when I really have to say an uncomfortable truth but I will become quite feminine when I coach a very sensitive feminine person. Pay attention to the situation you are in and adapt, are you taking care of a flower or are you chopping wood?

This is the big mistake that spiritual people make, they portray some spiritual guru as the one and only ideal for how a man should be. We are born different, we have different personalities, different genetics, I had to accept my spicy way of being, I get excited and passionate about problems in society then tell them honestly and sharply, and sometimes in a more emotionally reactive manner. There are uncomfortable things that have to be said even if people get offended by them. That doesn’t mean I invade Poland after, some emotional reaction in talks spices up things, makes it feel real and taken seriously.

This stuff has to be taught in schools, exactly like sexual education, so kids can understand themselves and become men, women or something else instead of remaining boys and girls their whole lives. When a wounded and suppressed demographic finally gets empowered, it tends to swing the pendulum all the way to the opposite extreme. Mothers who teach their sons only feminine qualities because they were wounded by toxic men. If we only teach feminine qualities to boys, they will become unmotivated, prone to addictions, snowflakes, unattractive, lonely and disconnected from who they are. And because of that imbalance they can become aggressive. You get what you fear for. We need to show our boys what real masculinity looks like not to throw it away. 

In regards to women, most of them are very intuitive and behave in a feminine way even if they don’t know about this stuff. Some of them can exaggerate with this “strong independent woman” crap they get from the extreme left, but I perceive this to be a rare occurrence. Some women are constantly bossing others around, complaining and moaning about how unjust everything is, imposing to others their point of view and if they don’t embrace it, they’re calling them lazy, dumb, toxic, sexists, racists, homophobes, Nazis, privileged etc… 

It is mainly because for some reason they did not manage to mature emotionally or they had such low quality people in their lives that it accumulated and made them sour, especially a bad relationship with their fathers. Forgiving the men who hurt you is the only way to liberate yourself. Femininity is about daring to be vulnerable, delicate and ignoring the things you can’t change. A mature woman knows that criticizing others, canceling them, or calling them names will not change their minds or actions, in fact it will have the opposite result. She has the courage to find and let a real man help her in life, she is a flower instead of a cactus. She dares to relax into her authentic vulnerable self, trusting that her man will not hurt her. This dynamic is exceptionally beautiful.

You might say: “There are no good men around”. Here I have to agree with you. The tribal communities used to “forge” good men, but with the raise of “civilizations”, we started to mess that up. We now create either macho hyper-masculine baboons or sensible, unattractive, boring, boyish nice guys. I hope we will learn again how to forge great men, I personally apologize for what society did to men and I encourage you to continue searching for a real man. Persistance is key.

Where I feel we as a society need to really become better at is taking care of our health. A healthy beautiful physical aspect is important for a woman, but our sick society makes them overweight, stressed, insecure, and unhealthy. Wherever you look you see unhealthy food and everybody eats it, which breaks my heart to be honest, check my article about how to take care of your health if you had enough of all the bullshit health information on the internet. The looks insecurity makes them lose their confidence and autenticity, pushing them to fit in some unrealistic, silly beauty ideals especially now with this looks culture on social media that push teenagers to fit in some looks norm. This also affects men of course. Young boys who believe that masculinity is about having big muscles and work hard at the gym for that “masculine look” then getting depressed that girls don’t care about that. You see? If you don’t show them what masculinity is about, they will invent some nonsense that will explain that to them, clarity is a human need.

A woman can develop her male side very well and she can take care of herself and kids without any help, like a female mamma tiger or mamma bear or so it seems. Some studies show that children who grew without a father tend to do worse in life. Not just that but we never lived like bears and tigers, we are social animals and love being like that. Why struggle with all that when there are men who would absolutely love to help you.

Some people wanted to do a study on how porn influences men’s psyche but they did not find enough guys who don’t do porn for the control group. Pornhub is the 4th most visited website in the world. We already have a loneliness crisis among men especially since the rise of social media and dating apps where women have by far the upper hand. Young men are gaming all day and doing nothing with their lives because they wake up in their 20s unprepared for life and they just give up. Angry, lonely men following toxic role models like Andrew Tate. You cannot cancel these people, you throw them out the window and they come back out the door, they are popular because there is something wrong with society.

Why do so many young men follow these kinds of people? Because they are those who at least pretend to understand their suffering, other people tell them somewhere between the lines of: “Dude you live in a male dominated society and you are a white man, what do you want more?”. Well they want more, they want to find who they are and why they suffer, they want someone to understand their suffering, you cannot hug yourself. This is the thing that those radical leftists don’t understand. EVERYBODY needs love, not just the victims. Even the perpetrators are suffering, this is why they do what they do, mainly because nobody listened to their suffering, now or in their childhood. The most life-threatening thing for men under 45 in the first world is suicide, it is themselves. And the most dangerous people for others in a society are men who feel misunderstood, lost, lonely, and depressed. In a democracy everybody should believe whatever they want, but I agree that some influencers are so toxic that they need to be kicked out of all platforms. The same way we don’t let people take a shit in the city square.

Afterword

We are approaching the end of this material, reflect a bit on the way I wrote all of this. This is a healthy masculine energy. Courage to challenge the common beliefs but still tamed enough to be desirable and sound. A blend between ambition, discipline, drive, competence, logic, courage, and empathy. I encourage you to do the same in your search for meaning and answers, theory is very important. If you don’t have your theory right, you won’t know how to act and whom to believe. My masculine personality of detaching from silly group-think and pursuing my own journey of figuring out how the world works saved my life. But I see how important it is to balance it with femininity, to connect with others instead of judging them for their intellectual laziness. This article alone can make some leftists (with whom I resonate the most) avoid me, maybe I will even lose potential clients for coaching. You see… authenticity and truth is more important for me than pleasing some naive people. My opinion is that people who avoid you when you express your authentic masculine self or if you show divergent opinions are not worth your time, and coaching will not have a big effect on them either, their ego is too rigid. If I like a person I like it period, I don’t care if he or she believes in fake Moon landing or chemtrail theories. If you spoke loudly your honest opinion and that impacted your job negatively, FUCK them! Start your own business and earn money on your terms.

Try to find the right feminine-masculine blend, the one that fits your hormone dynamics, physical aspect preferences, sexual orientation, gender identity, and personality. Most probably you’ll fit your biological gender like I do, but even if you need to find another gender that fits better, it is fine as long you know what you are doing. I hope this was helpful, if you want to deepen your knowledge on this topic, check the books listed in references. Remember that I am a certified coach, if you feel stuck and unhappy, there might be a chance I can help. You’re welcome to book a free discovery meeting with me! Follow me on social media so you get notified when I release new articles. Leave a comment below with your constructive criticism. Have a happy life!

References:

Ridley, M. (1994). The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature. Macmillan Publishing Co, Inc

Deida, D. (1997). The Way of the Superior Man: A Man’s Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work and Sexual Desire. Austin, Texas: Plexus.

Waal, F. B. M. de (2006). Our inner ape: A leading primatologist explains why we are who we are. New York: Riverhead Books

Auyeung, B., Baron-Cohen, S., Ashwin, E., Knickmeyer, R., Taylor, K., Hackett, G., & Hines, M. (2009). Fetal Testosterone Predicts Sexually Differentiated Childhood Behavior in Girls and in Boys. Psychological Science, 20(2), 144–148. URL: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2778233/

Gray, J. (2020). Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship Skills for Today’s Complex World. BenBella Books.

Tolle. E. (2023). Why Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy is ESSENTIAL. Youtube. URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIa-WABHOMY&ab_channel=EckhartTolle

Smith, J. D., & Johnson, A. B. (2023). The Extreme Male Brain Theory: Evidence and Implications. Journal of Neuroscience and Psychology, 15(3), 123-135.

Estrogen and Mood Regulation:

• Bethea, C. L., et al. (2002). “Serotonin-related gene expression in female monkeys across the reproductive cycle and after ovariectomy: Estrogen regulation.” Journal of Neuroscience, 22(4), 1572-1583.
• Rubinow, D. R., Schmidt, P. J., & Roca, C. A. (1998). “Estrogen-serotonin interactions: Implications for affective regulation.” Biological Psychiatry, 44(9), 839-850.

Progesterone and Anxiety:

• Brinton, R. D., et al. (2000). “Neurosteroids: Regional and cellular mechanisms of estrogen, progesterone, and dehydroepiandrosterone action in the brain.” International Review of Neurobiology, 46, 1-46.
• van Wingen, G., et al. (2008). “Progesterone selectively increases amygdala reactivity in women.” Molecular Psychiatry, 13, 325-333.

Oxytocin and Social Bonds:

• Insel, T. R. (2010). “The challenge of translation in social neuroscience: A review of oxytocin, vasopressin, and affiliative behavior.” Neuron, 65(6), 768-779.
• Carter, C. S. (2014). “Oxytocin pathways and the evolution of human behavior.” Annual Review of Psychology, 65, 17-39.

Cortisol and Hormone Suppression:

• Toufexis, D. J., et al. (2010). “Estrogen and the brain: Hormonal modulation of social cognition and motivation.” Psychoneuroendocrinology, 35(3), 357-371.
• Breidenstein, J., et al. (2011). “Cortisol regulation and testosterone suppression in highly stressed individuals.” Hormones and Behavior, 60(2), 217-225.

Testosterone and Competition:

• Carré, J. M., et al. (2009). “Testosterone responses to competition predict future aggressive behavior at a cost to reward sensitivity.” Psychoneuroendocrinology, 34(4), 561-570.
• Mazur, A., & Booth, A. (1998). “Testosterone and dominance in men.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 21(3), 353-397.

Sexual Arousal and Hormonal Changes:

• van Anders, S. M., Hamilton, L. D., & Watson, N. V. (2007). “Multiple partners are associated with higher testosterone in North American men and women.” Hormones and Behavior, 51(3), 454-459.
• Goldey, K. L., & van Anders, S. M. (2011). “Testosterone and partner interactions: The moderating role of gender, relationship type, and contraceptive use.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(5), 1105-1113.