A Note From the Author

Dear reader,

I wrote this book to better understand myself and others. Like many people, I’ve struggled to know when I’m being truly myself and when I’m just following what others expect of me.

Living in three different European countries opened my eyes to something important: Our culture shapes who we become, sometimes in ways that pull us away from our true selves. We often hide parts of our personality just to fit in and be accepted by others.

Think of it like picking up an accent – we naturally copy the behaviors around us, even when they don’t match who we really are. In Romania, I saw how men were expected to be tough and straightforward, never showing weakness. But in Sweden, it was completely different – being vulnerable was welcomed, while being too direct was seen as harsh.

When we’re young, our biggest need isn’t to be authentic – it’s to be loved and accepted. Through anxious attachment, we learn to hide the parts of ourselves that don’t fit in. We trade our true nature for belonging, often without even realizing it.

This book is about finding your way back to yourself and developing secure attachment, no matter your gender. Perhaps the most important skill in life is learning to love yourself enough that you no longer need to dance to someone else’s tune.

A few years ago, writing a book seemed overwhelming. After reading over 150 educational books, I noticed patterns that made me like the book and some that made the experience less enjoyable. Let me share what I want to avoid:

The Filler Trap: Many books stuff their pages with quotes and ideas from other experts, creating a Frankenstein patchwork feeling that sounds smart but lacks heart.

Missing the Emotional Connection: When a book is too formal or impersonal, it doesn’t stick with you. Our brains are wired to remember personal and emotionally impactful moments. I am pretty sure you remember the last words that your first partner told you when he or she broke up with you, but you do not remember too much of the last lecture that your PHD professor perfectly presented to your class.

Over Complicated Language: Some books use such complex words and sentences that you have to stop reading just to figure out what they mean. I don’t see the point of fancy words when simple ones work better. Learning should be enjoyable, like talking with a friend who explains things clearly. Learning has to be enjoyable, we actually learn effectively when we have fun, when it feels personal, when the teacher feels like a good friend who comes to our level and speaks our own language. 

I could use the Claude Sonnet AI bot to edit this book and make it sound like it was written by an English language PHD. I could  also pay an actor to read it in a much more professional manner, but again, it is practical ideas simply formulated, emotional impact and personal feeling that I am interested in delivering, not perfection.

Prologue

The Yin and Yang of Who We Are

Why write about this topic? It started with a simple question: What shapes our behavior – how much is biology and how much is it culture? Everyone has both feminine (Yin) and masculine (Yang) aspects, regardless of their gender. We’ll explore later whether these traditional terms are still useful.

At first, I was completely lost. Most people just believe what their friends believe – but remember, our grandparents and their friends once thought smoking was harmless. You might wonder: “What if thinking for yourself leads to worse conclusions than just following others?” That’s the risk you take when you decide to form your own views. I am well aware of this trap and I made sure I triple checked every damn idea that I am about to present to you here

Chapter 1: Introduction

This book tackles a complex and sensitive topic: what it truly means to be a man, woman, or something else entirely. While artificial intelligence has become adept at handling straightforward questions, it still struggles with nuanced topics like this one. Before we begin our exploration, I must offer an important warning.

A Note of Caution

This is an advanced text that moves beyond post-modernism to examine sensitive topics. If anything sounds offensive, please understand that my goal is to seek objective truth rather than reinforce existing ideologies. I ask that you read the entire work before making judgments. When I discuss biological differences between sexes, I’m not suggesting superiority or inferiority. Like the concept of yin-yang, things can be different yet equal—an asymmetric equality that many find difficult to grasp.

Critical Warning: When studying biological differences between humans, we must proceed with care. It’s easy to fall into harmful ideologies like racism, eugenics, or sexism. Let me be absolutely clear: there is NO such thing as an “inferior” gender, sex, or race.

This book may sound too progressive and philosophical to conservatives, yet too conservative and “scientific” to progressives. You might assume I’m conservative because I discuss masculinity and femininity—I’m not. This work is so progressive that even progressive readers might perceive it as conservative.

Beyond Post-Modernism

What does it mean to be progressive? Progress toward what? Toward a better society, certainly—but what if some progressive ideas actually lead to a worse outcome? This book acknowledges post-modernism without being constrained by it. We’ll examine the relativity of things while offering concrete answers to help improve your understanding and lead a happier life.

To truly grasp these concepts, you must move beyond post-modernism to reach what’s called the “construct-aware” stage of development. At this stage, you’ll recognize how your mind distorts reality based on cultural biases, allowing you to prioritize truth over tribal attachment. This has been the most challenging research I’ve ever undertaken, and I ask you to appreciate the courage required to address these topics.

Understanding Gender

Let’s address the elephant in the room: What is gender, and how does it interact with our Yin and Yang?

Gender is a social construction—an inter-subjective concept that exists only because we collectively believe in it. There’s no objective definition of “man” or “woman”; this dichotomy was created by society to simplify our lives, much like money. Money is just numbers in computers or colored paper, but we assigned it value to facilitate trade. Similarly, we created gender categories to streamline specialization and mating.

Gender isn’t just constructed—it’s subjective. What “being a man” meant to my grandfather differs from what it means to me. He might not consider an authentically feminine man to be a “real man,” while I would. We love assigning labels, qualities, and roles to our social constructions.

Biology and Culture

In the animal kingdom, most species show behavioral differences between males and females, particularly in mating and reproduction, despite having minimal cultural structures. Humans are animals, not far removed from primates. We’re born with specific personalities—some more social, some less, some more energetic, some calmer, some more Yin, some more Yang.

Beyond Relativism

Post-modernists might object: “But who defines masculine behavior? Everything is relative!” This is where post-modernism hits its limit, trapped in what philosopher Ken Wilber calls “aperspectival madness.” Tell a novice runner that technique is relative and they should run purely by intuition—they’ll likely injure themselves. There are more effective ways to run that prevent injury, just as there are more effective ways to express gender identity while maintaining psychological and physical health.

Moving Forward

The Dunning-Kruger effect perfectly illustrates how people approach this subject. Those who haven’t examined it closely see it as simple: conservatives advocate for rigid biological roles, while progressives promote unlimited self-expression. But serious study reveals the complexity, and only after extensive research does one develop genuine confidence in understanding these issues.

We must accept reality as it is, not as we wish it to be. Religious conservatives might wish gender was divinely ordained; progressives might wish biology played no role in behavior. The truth lies in understanding how biology and culture intertwine to shape who we are. We are equal but not identical, and understanding this distinction is crucial for moving forward.

In the next chapter, we’ll explore how biology and culture together influence our identity and expression.